My gender dysphoria had finally pressed me to get out there. Get out there as a “man”. I often felt more at peace when I could present as a “man” in public and hopefully connect with a woman. Although it was refreshing to be treated as a “man” in public there was something about when a woman treated me that way, especially in bed. I could only hope that sometimes I could get lucky.
As I wiggled into my binder I could feel the pressure inside me, as if I was holding something deep in my center. I was holding all the times I had been misgendered. I was holding all the times I wanted to scream at a stranger about gender pronouns. I had some frustration and I needed to at least blow a little off. I packed a softy in my pants that held a hose in the center in order to pee standing up at a urinal. As I began to layer on my beard with spirit gum I began to recognize the man I seen in the mirror. A mix of emotions that stirred my pot in ways that brought on shame, excitement, authenticity, and frustration. Mostly at our culture, I no longer blame myself for being authentically gendered. In the meantime its not easy to live outside the binary in a binary world. As I finished my beard I could feel the excitement. I was ready to go!
I walked into a huge club that seemed to go on forever. The place was a river of women. All kinds of women from freaks to geeks, trans to gold stars, big and tiny girls. Each of them authentic. My excitement builds but it only feeds my inner frustration. I begin with a drink and find myself wandering outside for a smoke. This activity becomes so familiar but its only my dirty habit when I drink. As I bummed a smoke I felt eyes staring at me. I leaned against the wall and began to scan the area for what eyes were penetrating my soul.
She stared at me from across the alley just far enough that we could stare at each other safely. No one would noticed our connection at the moment and I was excited by what I saw. Her long slinky body leaned back on the brick wall with a cigarette in hand. She stares at me with deep dark eyes. She wears tall heeled boots, skin tight jeans, and a loose fitting torn T-shirt. Her long dark hair lays naturally around her face. The shirt falls off her shoulder a little and her style screams a throwback from the 80’s. I can’t help but wonder how old she is? She licks her lips as she stares at me with deep strong eyes, as if she is sizing me up. I couldn’t resist any longer the chemistry between us seemed to explode like fireworks.
The desire to approach this magnificent goddess overtook me. Just as I began to move away from the wall another butch walked up to her. The person was obviously her partner since they immediately kissed and whispered in each other’s ears. The butch wore a white button up shirt normally worn by business men but instead rolled up sleeves. I could see their tattoos as I leaned back against the wall, watching this couple greet each other with such excitement. I was filled with my own excitement of just watching the butch push the magnificent goddess up against the wall with some forceful eagerness. The goddess accepted the force with eagerness and encouraged the butch to handle her with strong hands as she wispered in the butch’s ears. The butch’s hair was very short and resembled a crew cut but they had longer bangs. An unusual style that intrigued me to at least enjoy the show. Finally they leaned back and glared at me.
At first I was hesitant to find their eyes out of guilt for my lust towards both of them. The butch finally stared into my eyes intensely for several moments, winked and then began to smile. Both of them whispered back and forth for a while. All the while taking looks at me. I leaned back in laughter since it seemed they were certainly planning something and I was hoping I was in for a treat. Soon the goddess pushed herself off the wall and took the butch’s hand. They kissed deeply both of them holding onto each other with such intensity. My lust grew inside and I hoped they would talk to me. Finally the kissing stopped and they both turned towards me. Suddenly my eagerness turned to anxiety. They both looked like they were hunting me and I better hold on.