As a young woman I was heavily influenced by the women in my life. My mother and my father were divorced at age 5. My mother was one of those moms that paired up with another mom and they took us on all sorts of adventures. But both of these women told me things about men. They taught me one thing that I am not happy I carried on and didn’t even recognize until I left my husband. My mother and her best friend would say things like “Don’t have sex with a man unless he has spent money on you. Like this.” and they would then show me some expensive ring. This was repeated in many different ways but the message was clear. Men were good for money.
Looking at my life now – considering the sexual abuse mixed in….its no wonder it made sense to me to work in the adult industry for so many years. It seemed a good value to me, and frankly I still think it is. If a woman chooses to sell either the right to look at or touch HER body than frankly I think its no different then massage therapy. If it was regulated and legal it would be easier to control the trade of children for sex. But this discussion is not about the rights of sex workers but instead about my experience with this concept.
As I was married to a rather poor man, my mother never approved of him till I was ready to leave him and she found God. I was with him for many reasons but I know what caused a stall in my leaving him was most certainly the value that I had to throw out the window and run for the door. The simple value that a woman would struggle financially without a man with her. I worried about my transportation and my ability to have ENOUGH for me and my (at the time of leaving) 13yo son. I did struggle, at first, but mostly because I thought I would. At that point though I had become so desperate it just didn’t matter how much I struggled.
Interestingly I was the bread winner in my relationship with my husband and I also managed all the money by the time I left him. So in our relationship I got as far as I could go, then left. It happens to many of us.
Today looking back though I realize that the fear was implanted from childhood and never evolved, likely because of my chosen profession. I used the profession to get through the transition. Will I ever return to it? Maybe but this time on different terms….I have considered indie pornography, its more me!
Today, my evolution has evolved and I fully support myself. I am capable of being completely alone at any moment, although I choose to share my life with a womyn whom could also fully support herself at any given time. I feel like I have evolved from child, to young woman, to womyn. I love to talk to older woman about how things have changed and how they have evolved, if at all.