I am sure you have all seen that image of Will Ferell with the text that says, “If Lesbians aren’t attracted to men, when why are they attracted to women that look like men?”
Every time I see this image I find myself ranting in the comments of someone’s facebook post… its funny because some of the most unexpected folks do it. Every time it makes my feminist tattoo burn and my fingers run across the keyboard like they are dancing to dubstep. Here’s the rant, I hope this helps me feel like I voiced what I need to say about it.
First of all, some lesbians might be initially attracted to men but emotionally they need to be with a woman. That’s how it is for me and I know others like me. At one point in my life I struggled with this but knew in the back of my mind it to be true. I found relationships with men to be unfulfilling and I was always left unsatisfied, but women… well they had something else for me. They filled my soul, I imagine much like anyone feels with their first love. Today I am changing some of my old ways that I picked up in my hetero days, like my promiscuity, well I am altering it. Call it age, call it experience but these days I am looking for things with a different meaning… but I totally honor those that are taking all they can get. I had so many hetero experiences that were unsatisfying that it didn’t make sense until at swinger parties I was left awake next to some guys wife. I was turned on but I just couldn’t get to that deep satisfying feeling – unless I went to bed with her. This leads me to a very obvious conclusion, its not just about the action of sex and most certainly its not about the body parts. But its not just sex, its about the connection me and her had. The chatting between parties, the friendship, the kinship, the bond. It was about shared values and ideas – it was about support. Here are two married women finding what they needed in all ways, in each other. Looking back to my childhood this was happening all the time with my friends, I just didn’t recognize it as love, I was very confused. Today, I see the light from the open closet door.
But that doesn’t take away my past, it doesn’t take away my fascination with gender bending. I found though as I am now, I love to bend gender… especially at the attraction of my partner. Also, I found it to be a better expression of myself, which there shows my strength in my ability to change my gender in my public interaction. Shows strength, shows confidence, show comfort in my own skin, and shows a step out of the normal value system….at the very least. I am also attracted to womyn that bend their gender…although I do have a soft spot for femme. My soft spot for femme comes out with the drag queens…but just because I am attracted to physical femme doesn’t mean I want to be in a relationship with someone that is testosterone driven. Frankly, I need her to be a bit more emotionally complex – I need that intensity of a woman. This doesn’t make testosterone driven people bad, just different. They tend to live simpler with less intensity, I can see the appeal, but I need more these days. Its like if you want more salt & pepper on your food or not. Gay men often like the simplicity of the relationship with their husbands, its just a matter of taste. Its not just sex, its in all the interactions, daily interactions. I like her to engage me, I like her to feel a bond and a kinship.
I know heterosexual men have a similar interaction with hetero women. When I am able to find an openly sensitive heterosexual man I find that our views of women are much the same. But they are more visually driven then I am, although I don’t deny having a ‘type’ – but for sure I am more personality, values, and lifestyle attracted. But I will say that often I am physically attracted to womyn, meaning womyn that LOOK like they might be dykes. But maybe that is just because its clear they might be the type of personality I am interested in. I know they at least likely have similar gender and sexuality values and personality. Its a good place to start for me. But in the end, physical doesn’t really matter at all. I know it to be true because my partner’s comfort is more important than what she is wearing, although I like her to LOVE what she is wearing. But that’s because I love her. I am more interested in her happiness, her spiritual well being, and general overall health than what she is wearing today. I am sure openly sensitive heterosexual men feel this same way about their long term partners.
But I think lesbians dress that way to indicate something, their tossing of gender roles all together. We refuse to conform, we won’t do it! To us – the toss of these norms is sexy. Seriously, its sexy! Feminist strong womyn sexy!