Often I find myself out of the norm in any labeling system. I believe this may be true for most of us actually but some of us are more committed to fitting into the ideas of whatever label we identify with. Since I identify as butch, its the best word to describe how I am and how I present myself, I listen closely when people talk about their perspective on the butch. I haven’t had a ton of experience with the lesbian community as a whole, most of my exposure is with gay men and the trans community. I haven’t spend loads of time with groups or even had many lesbian friends. I mostly dated bi girls and occasionally found a lone lesbian until I found my wife. She has had experience with the lesbian community but has had bad experiences with them. Recently, just by chance, I have had some in depth conversations with various types of lesbians. I am fascinated at a phenomena among the “femme” identifying lesbians.
I often create comfortable space to talk about sex and typically a fairly comfortable lesbian will jump in on it. In numerous cases, so many I cannot keep count now, I have had a “femme” say something like, “Well she was a very strong butch out of bed but once you got her in bed she was femme. She wanted me to eat her pussy!” Or something to that effect. I have asked each time, so does wanting to get your pussy eaten make you less butch? Often its clear they haven’t really thought about what makes someone butch or femme and obviously I have completely over thought it. Hence this blog post to all the other “thinkers” out there.
I have thought about what makes someone butch in bed. Is it that their a top or more dominant? No I don’t think so because I can totally see myself serving a really hot femme, assuming she is strong. Although, I am typically dominant or a top. Is it a preference for the strap on? That seems to have more to do with it than other details.
My wife is what I call a “futch” which means that typically she is rather femme but occasionally she is butch. In bed typically she is penetrated with a strap on but often she straps it on, too. She wears dresses. She wears butch clothing. She likes to be romanced. She likes to be taken care of by a masculine person that is emotional like a woman. I am masculine in my dress most times and typically I see the world as a butch. I buy her flowers, I romance her, I take the lead on many things, I cook for her…. I take her out to a fancy restaurant. I like to be the strong one. I like to wear the strap on. I like to be the dominant. BUT I also like her to serve me in bed. I like her to touch me and help me unwind. I like her lick my pussy. and at times I might even have her wear the strap on while I ride her with dominance.
I think sexuality is as fluid as gender. How could lesbians put these expectations on the butch to not like to receive pleasure? In my processing of this I came up with a few possibilities. It could be that the femme has had sex with men and expects a butch to be much the same. OR the femme is actually not comfortable with eating pussy for some reason we would not know unless she shared this. But certainly our culture has trained women to think if a man sticks his penis in your vagina that is all he needs and now that is crossing over to the butch. WTF!!
I know men that say to me about their wives, “I wish she did something other than just allow me to stick it in. I mean there are other ways to get off!” Silly girls!
The vagina is a powerful thing for sure and sharing it with someone should certainly be respected but I don’t think its the actual body part that is so powerful. I think its the ability to have so many orgasms. I think its the ability to touch the divine when you orgasm. Female bodied people have a richer experience and THAT is where the power lies. Regardless of the body part is the orgasm or the heightened sexual experience. I realize not all women have orgasms as easily as others but even that high feeling during sex is more intense than male bodied people.
So as much as butch should not be treating the femmes in their life the same way that super masculine men treat the heterosexual women in their lives. Femmes and heterosexual women in general need to not expect the butch and heterosexual male to feel sexually satisfied simply by sticking it in the vagina. And femme should expect that masculinity is an emotional experience just the same as femininity is for a femme.
We must allow for a masculine emotional experience in order to heal our gender filled world!