Spaceman

So today I was just messing around on Spotify, enjoying how I can listen to music on demand… and I see a suggested artist, “4 Non Blondes”. Ohhh I remember them, loved em’ through most of my early 20’s. I remember their album came out the year my son was born, 1992. I remember I managed to barely afford the album while I was living with my new born son in somebodies basement. It was a tough place to live and it was like the 4th or 5th place I had lived that year with my newborn.

A bit of history is that when I got pregnant at age 16 my mother had a fit. She said, “abortion, adoption, or get the fuck out.” So my older brother offered us to stay there and that lasted through my pregnancy and the first 2 months. Then we moved to his relatives house and that didn’t last long. Soon we lived in a car, then a friends basement, then a friends apartment, then finally rented a room after we both got jobs and welfare.

So in my friend’s basement I did my best to keep him quiet & trying to get him to nap often required long hours of dancing to music. I was 17 and loved all sorts of music – finally my son’s father had just enough cash to buy me the album. 4 Non Blondes – Bigger, Better, Faster, More! – and as I usually do with new music I obsessed. Yup, that’s right… I am one of those people that listens to an album over and over, learning every lyric and every minute melody. I might not be able to recreate the music but I can  hear it in my head at any time. Good music was expensive then and getting your hands on it to listen to at a reasonable price was even more unlikely.

So I rocked him to the entire album, if he didn’t go to sleep than I simply let him stay up. If he did sleep I would be able to lay him down by the time the song “Spaceman” over. So many times, as I listened to this song, I had a baby in my arms. A sweet innocent baby boy sleeping in my bosom and using my arm for his ass to rest on. I could look down and see his eyes shut and recognize the peacefulness you can see when you watch a baby sleep. He was mine, and I was totally responsible for his life. Was there another life for me? I knew there was and I promised myself that when I was done with this commitment I would get back to me. I promised myself that. No one knew about it but me, but I knew I would get back to this. I listened to this song at age 17 thru about 19 on a regular basis. It was like my anthem song, the song that pushed me through the early years of motherhood.

I hadn’t chose this path, it was just sort of thrown in front of me. I chose to stay on it out of some inner nobility that later I discover does have a place in my butch label. If I say I am going to do something or commit to something I do it. I am also a gentlemen and they are certainly related. But I chose to be a mother, to raise this child of circumstance – he seemed so innocent. I thought, at most it would be 18 years.

Almost 21 years later I am still a mother. Recently my son did some stupid things like drinking under 21 and getting caught and a DUI. So he didn’t get in trouble for killing someone or even assault… thank goodness. But still they are serious offenses and he has lost his license. For the past year he has made some good and not so good decisions – for various reasons. He is 20 – he makes decisions like most 20yo. except he is my kid. I see the 20yo me inside of him, surprised but I see it. So here he is, leaving his first apartment to come back home and live with his mom while he tries to rectify his situation. No license for an undetermined period of time is an issue when you live in the middle of no where. I live in the city but he moved out to the country, I was almost jealous. So now he lives in the mini bedroom in the house I rent, he had to get a new job, and soon he will need to pay rent. He got home from his second day of work at about 5am. They love him, great work etiquette…. yes both his parents taught that as an essential for life survival. Now let’s see how long it takes before they question his morals, values, and ideas. He was raised by two idealists. It’s my amusement as a mother to see what path he will take.

I do love that he thinks for himself, so glad he’s not a fucking sheep. He really thinks things through and tries on a lot of hats. Even if he does stupid shit like drinking under age and a DUI – glad he didn’t kill anyone. It was dumb, he knows it, now we move on. Let’s not do this again, ok? Okay, he says. Conversation over. The fines and the judge will do the rest. I just feel like lecturing him is a waste of time and frankly is not worth my time. He is hard headed just like me and the people that didn’t lecture me were more influential to me at that age. Just seems logical to me. Occasionally, I will remind him that it was “stupid” and he always agrees.

So as a communal house we are treating him like any other young adult that wanted to rent the room would get. A free month of rent in exchange for chores, and he has proven to be very valuable. With keeping up on cleaning, fixing things, chimney cleaning, and a new shelf over the washer & dryer. The shelf I broke having quiet lesbian sex on the washer machine with a young baby dyke….. Ya he knows about it. I didn’t have a bed or a couch to take her to cause the house was sleeping and the couch? He was on it!!

Ohhhh I don’t know… I am sure some traditional moms will tell me how this is wrong because of her age or him knowing I had sex on the washer machine with someone other than my primary partner, even though she knew about it and was okay with it. LMFAO! Ohhh as the truth spills from my fingers I wonder about what others will think…Well I have decided that its none of my business. If you choose to share what you think, we can discuss it.

Funny thing though about the 4 Non Blondes that I discovered today was two things. First of all I had no idea that song “What’s Up” is some sort of “lesbian anthem” Ha ha! Then of course when I see her picture I remembered the feelings I had then. I remember as a young clueless closeted baby dyke – I wish I knew her! Now its… ohhh I bet she’s fun! I recognize the attraction now, but then I didn’t know what it was. It’s ironic, that’s all, just ironic. I had no idea at age 19 that I was a lesbian or that I was obsessing over this apparently lesbian band. Ironic, that’s all.

Check out the sexy womyn in this awesome video – I realized today that I was crushing on the lead singer:

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