Butch Mom

Yah, that’s me. I am 37yo Butch Polyamorous mother with a 20yo son.

When I was 12, something happened to all the girls around me. Many of them became very interested in boys, I felt abandoned. Suddenly their boyfriends were more important than the 3 hours of Mario Brothers with each other. So left with no choice of friends I turned to boys as well, and among them I found a few that liked me. So I gave them a chance and let’s just say I had an ewwww reaction at first. Until I met one guy who was shy and very different. We spent a lot of time together and eventually we fell in love. Later, I find out that he’s a cross dresser, at the very least – and regularly goes to bed with men.

At this time in our lives we understood each other, we understood why we didn’t like all the rest of the people and it was us against the world. We didn’t have words for it but we knew we were different. As a young teen I spent my days with my boyfriend deep in the woods or in an abandoned train. We got everywhere on bike and often I was dirty, and so was he. We partied and we had a great time together playing video games.

Sex also happened while his grandmother banged on the door screaming that he was a faggot. This was our reality. Kinky sex happened early. Soon we found that most people seen us as a normal couple and we fell in love with the romantic idea of high school sweethearts. I got pregnant at age 16 and gave birth at 17yo.

My boyfriend gave me the choice, abortion, adoption, or keep the child. Faced with a tough decision for two young people with no money we talked, a lot. We decided to keep the child. He proved that he wasn’t going to abandon his duty as a father by tattooing my name on his forearm. My mother swore he would abandon me, I knew he wouldn’t.

I didn’t want a baby shower but a few people insisted and made it happen. I hoped for a boy because I have no idea what I would do with a prissy girl child. I didn’t enjoy the pregnancy experience other than it was enlightening to have a life within you and birth it, and raise it. It’s a life experience that can’t really be replicated…. sorry to adoptive parents. Although I think their experience is different I don’t think its lesser or better. Just different. So eventually I birthed the child and I was faced with raising a child.

Thank goodness I had some experience, I had spent many years raising my baby sister since our mother was absent. But I knew since my mother was such a loser I might want to read about being a good mother. I am one of those people that if I am going to do something I am going to do it right, even if its fucking hard! So I set my mind on raising my son with the best ideas I could come up with.

The first 5 years were tough. We had little support and I had to leave school. Some of our decisions were not good but considering our background we did a dam good job getting ourselves free of all attachments to others. We only relied on each other and together, we raised our son. Worked opposite shifts and sacrificed a lot to assure his safety and health. It was really about survival those first 5 years.

But as he got older it changed. I had done all the research, I was studying parenting, I had done all the interviews. It was clear that I was highly invested in raising this child to my absolute best ability and to strive for perfect balance. A perfectionist, ohhh ya I sure am! I worked at a warehouse driving a forklift for 2 years but I couldn’t seem to get ahead, money just came in and went out. I had no time or energy for my son and these years were just passing me by.

Remember my husband and I are exploring our personal sexual selves together and he admits to having sex with men. He also expresses a desire for a 3some and of course I agree. I was actually kind of excited to see 2 men together. We had 3somes on the phone and the guys say thank you…. one of them says “You should really be a phone sex operator!” I laughed and agreed.

Someone gave me a computer and I discovered the internet and I loved the ability to research things. I found out how to be a phone sex operator. I left my fork lift position and began doing phone sex. I made a ton of money, that’s a different story. But it was often amusing, entertaining, and it paid really well. My son had started 1st grade so he was gone all day. I could easily do phone sex late into the night and sleep while he was at school. I was wide awake and available for my son when he arrived home.

The money kept coming in and eventually I opened my own phone sex service. Work was very flexible for me and the money and freedom allowed for me to get involved at school with my son. It also allowed for me to get involved in any extra curricular activities he wanted to be in. We did T-ball, he didn’t really like it that much. We did soccer but he didn’t care much for that one either. Eventually we tried scouting – I thought it might at least lead him to things he enjoyed. We both fell in love with the program and doing things together.

We enjoyed camping, hiking, adventures, and the exploration of all sorts of cool things. I was a leader and he was an over achiever, at least in scouting. He had all the badges, he earned all of em’ and he wore them proudly.

We played video games together but grand theft auto was banned from the house, I just wasn’t okay with that level of violence for a young boy. I believe that violence is something we become numb to and if we stay numb to it, we will allow it in our daily lives. No one ever cared what I watched as a child, I tried to keep an open mind but severely violent things were not encouraged. I would rather he seen a sex scene than a scene with guns.. sex is at least a natural thing.

I encouraged my husband to teach him all he knew about cars, bow & arrows, and comics. My husband also quit his job at the warehouse to help me run the phone sex service, which lead us both to more free time. He also picked up odd jobs and often tried to take our growing son along with him, so he could maybe learn something. My son had tools at a young age and often experienced business deals.

At some point I decided that the school system couldn’t teach him to read and that it is indeed very profoundly broken… I removed my son from the school system in the 4th grade. I home schooled him. Simply, I would work all day on the phones. If the phone range my son knew I would need to step out of the shared office into a bedroom for a private “business conversation” I also worked while he slept or was out with his father doing things. Plus at this point I had numerous employees working from home for me. I had also began doing more pornography and prostitution, and my favorite, professional dominatrix. Since I was doing all this I made even more money than phone sex and it required me to work less and less. It was easy to offer to share weekends with other moms, I take their son for a weekend they take mine. Simple, easy, and very effective. Weekdays we would edit movies and pictures, advertise and so on while my son did assignments. We were both available to help him whenever he needed it. I increased his reading ability in one school year from a year behind to a year ahead.

I was still a scout leader, I still home schooled him, I often hosted things for him and his friends. I was not out of the porn closet to most of the other parents. But I was still a pretty dam cool mom. When my son put on a dress, high heels, and a boa and pranced around the house I just simply told him not to mess up my stuff, I needed it for work. There was nothing weird about it, but he did make a joke about it and we all laughed. No one got upset no one made a big deal.

He at one point asked for an easy bake oven, often we baked sweets together. My husband did hesitate but gave in pretty easy, after all I was the bread winner. He worked for me. My son read Harry Potter, raced in the Pinewood Derby, worked on cars with his dad, baked with mom, we cleaned as a family, camped with his mom, shot a bow and a gun with his dad, gardened with his mom, and I think he had a pretty amazingly diverse life.

At some point we explored spirituality which lead us to a place that had a large gay male group of men that loved to mentor young people. I loved them because at that point I knew I was at least queer in some way and later I come out as a married lesbian. Here i gave my son experiences at 10 yo he learned that nudity is okay, even outside the home. I taught him spirituality through the exploration of many religions. I exposed him to the loving godfathers that just so happen to be gay. I brought him to a world other boys couldn’t even imagine. He was home schooled and he met other boys just like him. He had been exposed to many things, was raised sex positive, and his parents were polyamorous. His experience was different than the other scouts he was close to and eventually he just had to leave. Maybe it was just the purple mohawk, I don’t know. But we left scouting.

He became very much a part of that alternative spiritual community. I was always his mom, even though I was obviously different than the other moms. Plus I knew how to set up a tent better than his Dad.

Time passed, he grew up – had a coming of age ceremony. I left his Dad and fell in love with a woman. Together, we raised him. She never wanted to be a mom, but she loved me so much that she took on the task of raising a teenage boy. It was hard and sometimes we wanted to kill him.

There was not really a time that it was an issue for him. There was a short time of lashing out and confusion just after I left his father but I tried to talk to him one on one, keep a family life even it meant he had two moms, and I gave him personal space. We made decisions just like any other parents and sometimes we fought over it. Often I regretted things I had allowed him to be exposed to or things I had allowed to happen. His life was not perfect there were big issues but they weren’t where you think. The sex industry didn’t really affect him except he had stay at home parents that seemed to have enough money to take care of things. The divorce was trying for him, sure, but no more than any other kid. He assures me today that being raised with his dad in his life was better than the other option.

Today, he is 20yo. We talk about girls, sex, life, money, work and love. We spend time together. We enjoy each others company. He talks to my wife. He talks to me. He talks to his Dad. He lives alone in his very first place. He has a job. He has a car. He identifies as straight. He drums on a hand drum at drum circles with my wife. He hoola hoops with me while she drums. He cooks. He loves nature. He is sex positive. He questions gender roles. He gardens. He fixes his own car. He builds things. He loves his family (he learned that from my wife) He now has extended family, thanks to my wife.

He’s a person and his experiences are unique from mine, his fathers, and his other mom. He is a person just like you and me. So to all the young parents out there, regardless of your queerness or not, remember…. your kid is a PERSON. Love them unconditionally and please expose them to as much as possible.

momNson
This picture is from 2009. I have since lost 80 lbs and he is no longer 18 years old.

3 thoughts on “Butch Mom”

  1. I just want to tell you how happy reading this makes me. I come from a very sheltered, protective home and never really knew a lot about love or sex until I was a teenager– I didn’t even know there was a name for me as a girl liking girls or anything until I was thirteen. It’s good to hear that a mom can raise their child like they respect that child as a person who can be whoever they are inside.

    I think you seem like an interesting person and I would like to talk to you more! My name is Raevyn, please email me or just say hi, my email is the9raven@gmail.com. Thanks for taking the time to post your story, it’s made me think and reflect about my own life.

  2. This is Raevyn, I just forgot to ask how you liked working as a dominatrix, and also how you work with your partner about being polyamorous. I am intensely polyamorous, I just can’t keep it in my pants and it has ruined some good relationships sadly, but my girlfriend is super protective of me and I love her, but I just need to be with other people to satisfy my sexual needs. She thinks I want other people because she isn’t good enough 😦 Not true at all!

    Sorry to bitch about my problems but I thought you could offer some insight?

    1. Hi there Raevyn! I wanted to offer some advice for polyamory, read the book “More than Two” and see where that takes you. I personally am very clear from the very begining that I am polyamorous. That helps a lot if you pretty much start the relationship in that manner. I have never been monogamous.

      As for working as a dominatrix and in the adult industry for all those years. I don’t regret it but the path no longer serves me. There was a time that it was very empowering and uplifting for my darkened spirit. Today I no longer feel the need to do it professionally although I do have a private BDSM lifestyle. I believe in honoring our shadows and I feel like BDSM is a perfectly safe and legitimate space to express our shadows.

      By the way, thanks for reading. Its nice to know someone read this stuff! Have you seen diversitree.org?

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