Labels: Lesbian, Butch, and Genderqueer

Because it needs to be done, from my perspective anyway. I think my perspective is very unusual to say the least. I identified as a “lesbian” for 5 years of my marriage, and the first 10 years I was “bisexual”. I have abandoned several labels at this point in my life but two that stand out at the moment are “bisexual” and “transman”. I no longer find myself attracted to men and frankly I am not sure I ever was. My entire life I preferred effeminate men, even if they only crossed dressed in bed. Still I severely disliked and was actually turned off by any “hyper-masculinity” or “tough guy” behaviors to a point that I can remember feeling disgusted as young as 10 or so years old. I was often angry when the boys would change for the girls, it was such a dam act. Such a fake persona that often I so wanted a fucking camera for when those girls were not around! Not just around girls but then later they began to wear this mask more and more, even with each other, as if they were competing for something. This something I did not know, I did know that I was annoyed at it.

Based on a fairly queer feeling of bisexual I would say that it means your attracted to all sorts of people including hyper-masculine, hyper-feminine, and likely what is in between as well. Somewhere in my life as an adult entertainer I came to the realization that if I had to engage with a man in “hyper-masculine” mode I wanted to kill him. Seriously… I wanted to lash out in annoyance and anger – my opinion of why I was angry? Simple I hated being persuaded to have sex with them, even for money.  I know that some of you may think its wrong to have sex for money, but actually I think its as much right for me to sell having fake sex with me as it is for me to sell my writing, songs, or other services. So lets save that discussion for another time. For now understand that before this time I had sex with or did video of sexual activities with “hyper-masculine” men for the same price I was having sex with the more effeminate men. I then took my power and said, no more dominant men, ever. They make me homicidal! LMFAO!

Then time passed and I insisted on only bisexual men, as the straight ones were just too masculine as well. More time passed and I would only do cross-dressers and transgender people. At that time I realized that I was lesbian and I began to tell people about it, including my husband. I had no idea what to do about it, I was married for many years with an 8yo son. I had abandoned the label though, I was no longer bisexual, I was now a married lesbian.

Later, by many years and many transformations I took on the label of “transman” – I explored the idea in and out….ohhh how I wonder what it would be like to be a man. But I wouldn’t be one of those hyper-masculine men… ohhh no. I would do it so much fucking better. I would be sensitive, emotional, loving, romantic, independent, strong, kind, and assertive. I would embrace a sort of man you rarely meet, and many of them will cross dress for you. As I explored the identity I realized of course that you never actually can get a penis, which is really the only part I wanted. That was my first disappointment. Then I would have to take a medication forever and some things are not reversible. I had to really consider what made a man and a woman…. I decided I hated binary and frankly I wanted nothing to do with it! I don’t like a too far lean to either way and I even find that I am not attracted to hyper-feminine females any more then I am attracted to hyper-masculine men. I abandoned trans-man, I refuse to act that hyper-masculine for anyone. So annoying I would want to kill myself!! I abandoned trans-man for two other labels to help others understand me – “Butch” and “Queer”

So yes I prefer female bodied people over male bodies and I also happen to be female bodied – therefore since I am attracted to other women, that makes me a lesbian. Outside of that I been told that I fit the typical lesbian label apparently with my dogs, food choices, environmentalist, and political views. This is likely true. So hence I allow for those who care to know me to know that I am lesbian.

Butch, yah I took that one on for some of the same reasons I took on lesbian. Yes I fit the sterotype of butch, at times. I tend to dress in comfortable clothes. I am not afraid to get dirty. I play video games. I lift heavy things. I pay for dinner. I buy the drink. I buy the ring. Ya ya, I fit the stereotype but I would never allow that to guide me for too long, its just a coincidence. I embrace the label “butch” because I still have that inner desire to treat women with love, respect, as if they are a gift from the divine. I have that inner desire to be a different type of man. I want to show men the alternative to their hyper-masculinity bull shit. I want to show them what being a MAN should look like. But I don’t want to take pills or change what nature gave me to do so.

This lead me to the importance of Genderqueer. See I know that gender and orientation are different for sure. But I also know that I just don’t get hyper-feminine or hyper-masculine and that implies the two ends of the spectrum of gender. I am not only not attracted to them but I tend to not lean either way to heavily. I like it here in the middle there is more room to stretch out. LOL! I feel like when people are too tipped towards one side always seem to lead to the oppression of behaviors and I don’t like when people do that. I like authenticity. Wait I love it so much I think its the sexiest thing a person can do. I also like how I feel authentic – I been fake before – Its just too much dam work, fuck that! Life is too short to be anything less than authentic. Just relax, be yourself…. no seriously be yourself.

So yeah, you can use those labels with me 🙂

Advertisements

Published by: striving4balance

I am divinely lead after a lifetime of abuse, neglect and addictions. I have overcome a traumatic childhood, lost 100lbs and inspire to be divinely lead. I recently was inspired to manifest an online publication DiversiTree.org - A Divinely Inspired Online Publication for Inclusive spirituality. I am a Hobbit and male impersonator. I am an aspiring writer and journalist. I want to review YOUR festival, event, place, item, performance, or whatever you might have in mind. I am genderqueer feminist with a passion for love, peace, and happiness. I am gender activist. I am radically out of the box about a lot of topics. I am a humanitarian. I am a passionate yogini. I have a background in scouting for all paths. I am queer, polyamorous, and sex positive. I have a deep burning passion to protect and possibly save the earth, our home planet. Because of my burning passion for the earth I am a committed vegetarian, organic gardner, and farming community supporter. I am an environmentalist and my heros are people like Jane Goodall & John Muir.

Categories UncategorizedTags, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s