This post inspired by:
Ohhh I am super romantic and I adore making romantic situations happen! I have always been this way, sometimes intentionally and often simply by accident. Maybe its my emotional pull and there are various degrees of bail out among some people – often girls will ride longer than boys. I don’t know why, maybe they are intrigued by the wave itself or the emotional displays of all sorts. Anyone that embraces a lot of feminism at all will often grab my wave. This has lead me to strange places as a hurting married woman searching for a sense of well-being as she drew closer to the end of her journey as a mother. Even though I was married to a man for 15 years I spent many of those years engaged with women in very intimate situations. It changed over time from swingers, porn stars and other mothers.
There are women in my life that as a very young woman I loved so deeply, revisiting them as an adult is painful. How do you tell someone that you love them when you know they are straight? I don’t. If I do, the results could be even more painful than just not saying it. As an adult I did tell a straight woman that I loved her….but she was a very special woman and I somehow knew she would lead me. I can’t explain how I knew this except to explain that she was an older woman, often called an Earth Mother. Simply, she was everyone’s mother, she loved us all, unconditionally. She loved me in a way a mother loves her child, a teacher loves their student – I needed that, somehow she knew that.
She helped me find a way out of the world of broken heart after broken heart of all the girls and women I have loved over the years. From the days of my youth, through the swinger years, into the adult industry journey and through motherhood. The loves from the past that remind me of my path, remind me how far I have come.
Being a young gyrl I often had strong emotions for the girls in my life. There were times I experienced more intimacy and there were times I wanted more of it but wasn’t sure how to get it or even verbally express it. It was like that romance was at my heart deep inside and words to express are still hard to find. Later in life, I embraced action as a great way to express love – something I wanted my husband to do…regularly not just when it was a special occasion. I began to live what I preached and began to show emotions with action and the best words I can find. This lead me to strange places with girls in swinger relationships. Often the girl would pull back because it scares her to feel anything for a woman other than simple desire – they have even told me this with words. Later I learned that experiences bring people together, the more similar experiences people have the closer they become. Well the adult industry brought us all together because we shared a very unique experience that intensified over time. Funny thing is – these ladies didn’t struggle with those feelings for me, this time it was me who was worried. What if I had another affair and hurt a lesbian, because I just can’t leave my husband. This time it was me. I chose to raise my son with him because for me at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do, regardless of personal sacrifice. Romance…. see what I mean 😉 Being with other Mothers lead me to some interesting places and eventually when I made it to the mother of all mothers I was lead directly into the arms of my life lover and long term partner, For this I am grateful!