For me the experience of lesbian was something that was simply physical – or at least I thought it was. At an early age as I said before I often was physical with other girls my own age…often I initiated it. There was one special girl that I often found myself playing with….she loved to roleplay. I would always agree to be the male role in “date night” or “house” that we played. It seemed fitting at the time. I often think about those first experiences and wonder…but then I remember as a young child I loved boy play WAY more than girl play….but was often assumed to enjoy the toys I had. But my best memories of toys and playing were always in boy roles of one sort or another. I remember my father teaching me to do boy things… I remember my brother’s star wars action figures that I adored and was so jealous over….and for sure my brother’s pet mouse collection I would sit in front of the cage for hours when no one was home and watched them play. I had a little boy friend across the street and the reason we were such good friends is that we would always trade toys. He would play with my dolls and I would happily grab the cars and blocks.
So as a child, although I was very much forced to be very femme, I was always a boi. So my friend wanting me to play the male role all the time was not that out of place, even though I looked and presented very femme. I really just wanted to be loved – but that’s another post.
Then as I accepted my “tom boy” as a young woman and mother of boy…. I became more and more comfortable with who I was. Here were two people I deeply cared about, my husband and son, that truly loved me…and they loved the “tom boy” just as much as I did. We went camping, hiking, worked on things, gardening, and I was even my son’s boy scout leader for many years. I even have major leadership awards and honors that they would likely take from me – but that’s also another post. I loved hanging out with the boys and I learned as much as my boys did in meetings. I taught how to be an outdoorsy & geeky type boy…. somewhere in there I learned I didn’t care for tools, building things with plans, or some other traditional “boy” activities. But I can survive in the outdoors, with nothing. I can sleep outdoors in the freezing cold. I can backpack, hike, follow a trail, use a compass, clean water, identify edible wild plants, and even make rudimentary hunting tools. I found out what type of boy I was.
In my exploration in the Boy Scouts with my son and his best friend’s mom I discovered I was also romantic. So many times I would step in for her when her husband was absent – I would think about saying sentimental things to her. One time during a particular long term outing I was running a camping errand and I seen flowers – I so wanted to buy them for her to just brighten up her day. Instead I disguised it as a we need some bright flowers in our camp kitchen. Somewhere along the line as I found myself sleeping beside her in the tent I could feel my feelings rising.
Later, as time went on and we pulled away from Boy Scouts for not just lgtbt reasons but also spiritual reasons…..I began to date women. My husband knew about it and we talked about it. He would see men on the side and I would see women… It worked like this for years but at least at this point we could talk about it openly.
The first woman was the woman I sort of dated that I trusted. She was really the first woman as an adult that I had truly trusted – allowing myself to get too close to women remember lead to being a “lesbian” as described in the post “Coming Out Backwards” So I allowed myself to get close as I was sure that these bonds would help me grow inside – at the time I felt stuck. I loved her yah, but I trusted her immensely… I still do.
Than was my first adult love. Ohhhhh I loved her in all her mature beauty – the blessed mother to all. She was amazing in how she held herself and even how she mothers. A truly beautiful Mother Goddess that was just starting to Crone at about 50something. She was bisexual and polyamorous (this is the type of company I had always kept outside of boy scouts) – Her long flowing hair, loving smile, intense eyes, and her gentle voice. Ohhh I loved her and it had my head in the clouds for a long while. We talked and I told her I was pretty sure I was a lesbian and that somehow I needed to find a way to be sure. She told me she wasn’t and that she sensed – although she enjoyed being with me sexually – that sex was more emotional for me than it was for her… but she understood as that was how it was for her with men. She encouraged me to date a mutual friend, one I was avoiding. She was a lesbian, out and proud….red headed…butch – something to be shamed….remember?
That song sang by KD Lang sets up the moment when I decided to do it.
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew Hallelujah
That’s MY coming out song! Yah that was her! I left my husband. I must have her or at least the love that I had found with her. Me and her took some time…but our love brought us back together. That was 7 years ago….
She was no butch – soft butch – maybe. Ohhh she loved my outdoors boi, she loved my romantic boy that had scrounged up enough bravery to leave a rose on her pillow. The boi that was able to leave a dozen roses, send her songs, and pronounce his love again and again to her. Ohhh and I love her smile, her unconditional love, her mind…. ohhh she is so smart. I love her butch – I love her femme. I love her and even trust her. I love and trust this woman more than anyone I had met in my past.
We made love for hours and found ourselves both surprising monogamous without even thinking about …. almost by accident. For two people coming from a history of open and poly-amorous relationships this was unusual for us. We occasionally had threesomes and I even experienced loving another woman in my life. I knew this love had developed over the years of friendship and a shared mutual lover – he brought us together – but she was with him and I was really deeply in love with my wife. But she held me on those days that I cried, she recognized the love I held for my now wife, and as we lied in bed holding each other she confirmed the feelings we had for each other. A love – for sure – but I don’t think it can be defined. I still love and care from her from afar and we support each other from that distance but I will always have her to thank for holding me through the transitions when I had to choose to follow my heart. She knew what it was like to be with a man that left you feeling empty, she knew the feeling of motherhood, she knew the feelings of losing someone you love. Her confirmation is what was important, it was the love that I desired… the deep – intense – understanding love that I often felt when I am with a woman.
She encouraged all parts of me that were tomboy, butch or anything that wasn’t fake. She knew there was something inside that was strong and different and she encouraged it to come out and play. I happily showed all parts of this inside me and now today I am defining butch for myself.
So now my wife is into the outdoors and so on but what makes her soft butch and me more butch. Well I think its simple… I take care of the bugs, I pick up the heavy things, I rarely wear skirts but she will hang around the house in one. I love her butch too though, it comes out often in whatever I don’t do – like tools.
My only hang up has been feminism… I know I understand and get a lot of what is said and written about it…. but I have a son. And I love all people. So I don’t want to sound like a man hater. For some reason feminism and man hater were the same thing for me…but today I am finding a new light.
This butch wants to explore new territory of compassion, romance, love of humanity, and a movement towards understanding and growth in our civilization. So I write in this blog… writing always helps me organize my thoughts.